Hold on to the Firsts. The firsts smile, the firsts laughs, the firsts steps. That's what many new moms hear. As the years go on and the kids get older, the message becomes, "You'll never know when it will be the lasts. The lasts "Mommy," the last time you pick up and hold your child, the last time they grab your hand. I'm in the middle, and I am trying to hold onto these in between moments. The moments when she comes to me for a hug. The smell of her hair after a shower. The snuggles and giggles in her bed before it is time for her to sleep. The weight of her in my arms while I still have the opportunity to hold her. These moments make me smile, make me cry, and even sometimes, make me a little sad. Sad for the little girl that was, who wanted desperately to be held. Sad for the little girl that was, who just wanted to hear that she was good enough without the A's. Sad for the little girl that was, who wanted surprises, because that meant her family knew...
Just before bed, she asks me, "Momma, can we just sit and stare at the lights?" "Of course, sweetheart." We lay on the floor and stare at the Christmas lights wrapped around the balcony. From here, you can see the rest of the Christmas decoration below. The tree that she was excited to put together. The ornaments she excitedly added to the tree, all right at her height. The colorful lights that Momma and Daddy looped around the tree. We lay in silence for a few moments, quietly admiring the work. It's not fancy. It's not Instagram ready. It's all for us. For moments like this. She turns her head to me and we share a smile. She grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. She keeps my hand on her chest and she stares at the lights. I hide my tears of joy for this moment. I think, this is what it means to be a mom. I stare at everything to commit this moment to memory. This is my Christmas.